Dear Jo,
My ex has a big problem paying child support. Should I try to talk to him or just take legal action?

Dear Lemonader:

That's actually a common issue, and it's an issue of control. Because you are no longer married, what other control device is there but money? With women - it seems to be sex and with men - it's money . And, since you are no longer having sex with your husband, and he sees the children - he feels he owes you "nothing". Unfortunately for him, the courts don't see it that way. They don't care if he doesn't "wanna" pay child support, he is responsible for caring for the child the two of you created together.

So many children become casualties of this control game between ex-spouses, when all they really want is for their mom and their dad to get along. Sometimes it happens. Often it doesn't. Too many times a marriage ends badly; issues are not worked out and people (one, or both) act out their hurt, resentment or anger over and over in a negative way, asking to be noticed or acknowledged.

That's where "divorce therapy" would be a great method of ending a marriage. Too many times people go to a marriage counselor to "save" a marriage; but, when it looks like a marriage is really over - it needs to be put to rest and the issues need to be resolved so both people can move on. This prevents any need to 'punish' the other parent, and saves wear and tear on the children as well.

So, to answer your question - try, if you can, to discuss with your ex that the money you get from him goes for food, clothing, child care and directly addresses the needs of your child. You don't fly to Paris and you don't dine out every night. Also remember, men have a lot of challenges when it comes to divorce as well - especially if they didn't want the marriage to end. A lot of issues come up when their family lives change....

Maybe you can also acknowledge how hard you know he works and how much you appreciate his support . If you've tried talking and it didn't work, or the anger runs too deep - skip to the next step and call your local DA's office and ask them for help.

It's best for everyone involved to remember - child support is money to help support the child, and is not a tool for manipulation.


Dear Jo,

How can I help my children survive my divorce? They are having a very difficult time with it. I feel helpless and unsure what to do to help them, and me.

Dear Lemonader:

When you tell your children you're separating from their father, also reassure them they didn't cause the break up and can't fix it either. Children can take on an adult role and try to "fix" the relationship. They just want their mommy and daddy back together. Some children think they might have caused the breakup, feeling that "if only" they had behaved better or listened more or not acted out as much - their parents might have stayed together.

When you're explaining to your children that you and their father are not going to live together any longer, be careful not to express any anger at your ex spouse. Your children could get confused or hurt if they hear bad things said about the other parent. Remember, that your children are a part of you and a part of their father, it's a good idea to respect this fact, even if there are a lot of unresolved anger between the two of you. Try and keep that anger or resentment separate. Your children may also feel like they are the ones getting a divorce, so be extra sensitive about their feelings; you may even want to give them a place to air their feelings and fears with a child psychologist or school therapist. Many schools now are starting support groups for children of divorce.

Remember change is always difficult and challenging for everyone involved; explain to your children in simple terms what changes will be made. Keep it uncomplicated and stick to a routine until everyone gets comfortable. Then, if you or your children want to make some alterations, you can discuss them openly and honestly.

Allow them to express their feelings and try not to seem hurt (it may be hard to do) if what they causes you pain. You as the parent, will have to deal help them deal with this transition and you will have to move through your own aches and pains separate from those your children go through.

Minimize your children from all exposure to conflict between yourself and their father, and make sure they know they aren't to blame for anything that's happened, be there for them. As you show up more and more for your children - you'll discover you're really there for yourself too. By staying honest, communicating your feelings, and listening to those of your children, you'll find you and your children are both moving through this challenging family transition.

You're stronger than you think!


Dear Jo,

I just can't get used to being divorced. I can't stand being a part time parent, I miss my child so much when she's with her father. What Can I do to ease the ache?

Dear Lemonader:

I understand how it can feel. It can feel like a part of you is missing an arm, a leg - a piece (peace) of your heart. It's a challenge for your child as well, and all we can do is love our child and ourselves enough to move through the feelings of loss and create a new way of being. It's called "independence" from our old way of being, a restructuring and redesigning of the framework we held dear in marriage (if that's where we came from).

What we can do, as single parents sharing custody, is be the best we can be while we have our children with us, and be the best we can be for ourselves when we're sans children. In other words, learn to take care of our own selves once again. How do we do this? Are the methods stored somewhere in our cells? Can we actually learn to be women and men outside of our mother and father roles? Yes, I know we can and once we get the hang of it - we can start enjoying it too! (And, so can our children.)

Children don't want to feel guilty or sad when they leave us to go to the other parent's house (that sad look on our faces doesn't help their separation process either). So, as we get used to and acquainted with, the new lifestyle we have, our children will also adapt and adopt new ways of living with the two parents they have.

For those single parents who say goodbye to their children every other weekend, this may be less traumatic - but still an issue in letting go and an opportunity to create a life for oneself (whether it means a time to date, take up a hobby, travel, or read a good book).

Being a single parent is defined as being a multi-tasking responsible parent in today's world and being a single adult in this new millennium, neither of which are no small feat. Please don't forget to get all the emotional support you can get by joining groups, networking with other parents, learning who is a single parent in your neighborhood or school district.

Remember, you were single before, try and tap into that memory (ouch) and recall where the solace was. Did you write, did you go out with other friends in your situation, did you exercise more, did you join a dating service? It's important to treat yourself like you would your child when she is in need, take good care of YOU when you have the free time to do it.

Your child will thank you for it when she sees how much happier you are.

Dear Jo,

My ex wife wants to get back with me. There is so much betrayal and hurt from the past - but I feel it might be better for the kids to have us back together. What should I do?


Dear Lemonader:

When there is a lot of pain and betrayal in a relationship, it becomes challenging NOT hang on to the "what ifs". What if we got back together? What if I could only forgive her? What if our children could have two parents together again. Divorce doesn't just happen. The truth is that she became your ex for a reason. There may always be the nagging fear and memory of her leaving, and the possibility of her leaving again.

Remember that children are resilient, and they pick up on feelings around them very easily thinking they cause things and they can fix them too.

Sounds like it's time for you to weigh the pros and cons of having a friendly relationship with your ex and "getting back together". What is motivated her in her desire to return? Did she leave for another relationship that maybe is now not working out? How did the relationship end, was there cruelty, was there rage, and was there a sense of compassion or empathy to your feelings?

Another question you may want to ask yourself is if you have moved through all the stages of grieving the end of your marriage (this goes for the leaver or the one being left too).

There are many faces of grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Sometimes people get stuck in one and do not move through to the other side. Denial can suggest to you that she will be coming back - so you never completely grieve or move through the fact that your marriage has ended. That places a hold on you getting on with your life as a single person and parent.

Anger is actually a healthy emotion - it is appropriate and normal in divorce. In dealing with anger - acknowledge and accept the feelings, while avoiding self-inflicting behaviors and those can hurt your children as well.

Bargaining, the next phase in letting go and moving through, is sometimes a desperate maneuvering to have things "be okay again"; this seems to be the most painful of the phases because it is a tricky one. Like denial, bargaining comes in waves. Sometimes it looks like begging or even sophisticated negotiating, where people try anything to create an atmosphere similar to when the marriage "was working".

Next can come depression, which is a state, in which you feel your life has ended. You are bombarded with negative thoughts and painful projections. Depression is seen as a different flavor of anger; it is anger you have turned inward, toward yourself. Here, it is best to acknowledge those feelings without acting them out in harmful ways. Speak to a friend or counselor when faced with depressing feelings and thoughts.

Once you've placed one foot in front of the other and moved through these phases into that of acceptance - you may be taking some deep breaths and begin to feel strong and more whole. It's like you've walked through a tunnel and are beginning to see some light - a rainbow. It is only now, after acceptance has kicked in, that you can see clearly and make a healthy decision about your life choices. Once you have yourself back you can then choose whether or not you want your former spouse back in your life.

Don't come back to an unhealthy relationship for your children (to get back together for you're the sake of your children is the wrong motivation). If you are to return to your relationship, do so after the two of you have worked out the resentments, anger and distrust created in its wake.

You will ALWAYS be the parents of your children whether you are together or live separate lives. Divorce and separation bring on a lot of fears and insecurities, so be sure whatever motivates you to return to a relationship with painful memories are healthy choices. Talk to a therapist if you feel you need an objective viewpoint, and take baby steps.

Be true to yourself first, and the rest will follow.

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